When I crossed this "unknown world" I used to wonder if I have made the right decision? I couldn't answer that question that time. The answer came in time, as I started my journey unto this road...Once I've asked a trusted and experienced person the question, "how do I know if my decision was right" and the reply I received was "I can't tell you... but you will". "Great!" I said, "that doesn't help me at all!".
However deep within me I knew and I had this surety that this was what I was called to do. And so I've let go of many questions I had in mind and followed my gut feeling. I said, "If I have only one life to live, I better spend it as it should be- wisely". Not just for my own sake but for the greater good. (By the way, those words did not come so easily!) Within me I knew then that whatever gift I have received I cannot let it be contained for my own self love and self-sufficiency. I MUST SHARE IT! Life is so precious but short to contain to oneself.
Share I did. I entered the world of the unknown. I walked on unfamiliar grounds. Sometimes "dark alleys" caused me to fall but I got up and kept going. I started to learn to let go of what I've learned based on reasons and logic. I started to walk with the eyes of faith, a grace from the Giver of Life, a Light that glows even in dark alleys.
Things were going very well. I became so active with apostolic services to the poor. I traveled to different places helping the poor. Giving hope to the hopeless. Joy filled my heart. I said, "This is it! I knew I made the right decision." I put my heart and soul to what I was asked to do and found myself happy and filled.
Time of Visitation:
Visitation to me means, time when God comes to us in a very special way for a very special reason and we ought to be present body, mind, soul, and spirit when He comes.
I was asked to accompany a soul that was searching for truth. Seeing the person, I saw a lost sheep trying to find its way home. This soul was crossing an unfamiliar ground as well. I saw a glimpse of myself in this person. I knew how it was to have many questions left unanswered and it was not easy not to know how to cope with life's challenges. Not to have someone to share thoughts with can be very hard. I knew "Jesus" has visited me. And so I accepted.
I realized that by being a companion, a listener to this good soul, I am sharing the gift I have - my faith and love of God. With the corporal works of mercy we are to do each day, to accompany a person requires time and forgetfulness of self. As I laid to rest each night I was at peace knowing that I held back nothing to doing what was right at the given time. That is how I discern of the sincerity of one's service - if one spared nothing for the sake of another person or for common good with right intention and right reason then the servant can kneel before the Master and Giver of Life in peace and thanksgiving.
Gold is tested by fire:
For reason I couldn't understand even until now, the events turned against me and I was accused of misleading this soul. Never given opportunity to know the full reason and was deprived of explaining my side was enough to shake up the foundation of what I believed-in but more than this, I was put to silence and enclosure. Yes, it seemed unreal but real it was! I was confused and couldn't find an answer to the puzzle placed before me. I must accept! I must believe that what was going on was permitted by Divine providence. I must see with the eyes of faith that since it's God's providence therefore something good will have to come out from it.... in time. The thought of St. John of the Cross being imprisoned by his fellow friars gave my spirit a sort of consolation. If it happened before, why would I be spared from it.I wasn't imprisoned physically but I felt worst than that.
My soul was troubled...
This world I called unknown; the dark alleys; situations confronted unprepared; right or wrong; why? Why not? So many questions... Yes, I traveled these "unknowns". I can't remember how long. I lost track of time... Patience, waiting, prayer.
Then, as I went through this moment of "darkness" little by little a streak of bright light made me understand that I AM THE WORK!
For the Giver to be glorified, the gift must be purified, tested by fire so that its purity merits the Giver. I can't question why things happened? I can accept it and learn from it and offer it up in full trust and confidence that GOD KNOWS WHAT HE IS ALL ABOUT!
Jesus spared nothing while on earth to bring us the good news of love, life and freedom to the point of death for love of us. What did He get in return? Betrayal...Crucifixion...
I am no difference.
The grace of acceptance, abandonment and surrender has helped my spirit to be free. God must have loved me this much to merit the test of faith.
Go and Bear Fruit:
I see the road ahead could still be narrow; dark and unknown but I see also with the eyes of faith that it will get wider to a person I would become if I let the Giver continue to fashion me in His image and likeness.
Jesus' Heart was wounded so that His mercy flows abundantly to the world.
Yes, my heart was wounded. But it was a gift from the Wounded Healer to set me free. The deeper the wound the freer I would become for now I know what it takes for one to follow the Giver of Life.
The question I've asked before -- if I have made the right decision? Now I know... it was the right decision! To work in God's Vineyard is worth everything we have."Remain in my love so that your joy will be full." (John15:11)
My heart did indeed needed to be wounded so that I could have the courage to open it wide. Wide enough to love without counting the cost. In doing so I can truly say with conviction that I knew now how much God has loved us in Christ. "Follow Me". So be it!
Everything was part of the past; put to rest.The wound was healed.
The scar remains that I may keep my heart open, wide enough to sow love in His Love whatever it takes.